Saturday, December 18, 2010

People

Tanpa bertanya hidup seems to be much easier and interesting as you could make up your own random judgments.

Sebab aku sakit, aku diam dan aku dilabel sombong.

To be doing that at this stage of your age, I find it utterly ENTERTAINING.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Happy Birthday


louismariette.co.uk




net-a-porter.com

Celia crystal-embellished hairband. It is couture creation from a top notch designer, Louis Mariette. I wonder who will get her hands on this in the next few days ? ?

Happy Birthday

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Seriously...

Something is missing.

How hurtful could it be when a small piece shatters, the rest follows ? So much

The thought of you keeps blocking my sight.

I am still there while you are no where near.


Seriously..... I miss you so much.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Faceless

"she told me relationship is another form of entertainment" (a friend 2010)

Buckle up and sit still ! It is going to be tough week ! Trust me dear friend.

I took almost 3 years to get over it. 3 months ago, I fell in love again just to find out recently that it was a masquerade of words.

Emotions are robust ! It might hurt to the very core and to the manliest cord in you. You'd shed tears and sleep through just pretty much everything. But it shan't fail you eventually.








How the face changes............. so put up a face, smile, wear lotion and lip balm and walk on !

You will be just fine...just fine, I promise.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Ballad of The Dove

I faham. I selalu faham. Just how stupid I was for not letting myself to admit it.



Maybe "[I'll] worth much more after I'm a goner"

Breathe Breathe

Hmmmm.....



Tuesday, October 12, 2010

?????

I am freaking you out ?

Sunday, October 10, 2010

It leads nowhere

Chasing pavement is ain't always a simple thing to do.

Try as I might but the choices ain't mine.

Because you say stuffs and never listen.

One day, you'll get yourself.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

hush

Ketawa macam biasa. Riang tapi tak gembira.

The thought comes crossing anyway.

Kenapa dia buat macam ni ?

Sesak hati aku.

Sesak.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

please don't go

dia sooo bukan type aku. Tp aku sayang dia. Aku sayang sangat2.I finally found someone and dia, effortlessly kept me up late at night, buat aku rasa happy.

Every night aku akan tug in dia. Stayed there all night, keeping company. Keep dia warm. Sebab dia selalu sakit, so aku pun selalu risau. Aku cuba every single time with every single effort to make dia happy. Sometimes, it worked sometimes it didn't. Still, we were happy. I was happy.

Aku sayang dia. Dia cakap " I want you". Repeatedly, dia cakap "please don't let me fall". Dia cakap yang dia would be very glad if I stay because dia tngah busy "shaping the heart to love me". So I did. I stayed. I stayed as I promised.

Fallen, unnoticed.

Then, distance came. Said would miss all the well wishes, I waited. Coldness started to sneak in. Silence filled in the gap. Dia busy. Chasing after the dream will the best will. I was proud and still am. One last call was unannounced and I felt the excitement had gone.

Carelessness left my heart sore.

Dia cakap "It's hard to break someone's heart when your heart has broken once or twice but it is a bad thing to someone false hope. Knowing that all along that he is not the one you would want to be with"

So i asked "where does that put me then ? "

"we were happy as fren"

Oh, okay. Thorn into pieces, I stayed, laughing, instead.

Daun mula luruh. How Fall has started.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Hidup Tak Perlu Lama untuk Ucap Sayang : Selagi ada nyawa

"Awak awak, awak ingat saya selalu call awak tengah-tengah malam sebab nak dengar suara awak je ? Saya tahu awak busy study, sebab tu saya tunggu"

"Saya sebenarnya takut awak marahkan saya"

"Kadang2 saya terbabas, tapi mcmana pun saya mesti ucap Good Night Sleep Tight sebab saya memang selalu ingatkan awak. Saya tahu awak takan balas sebab awak pun dah tidur"

Ada masa awak buat saya sedih sangat bila awak ignore dan tolak saya ketepi dalam banyak perkara. Bila saya cuma nak kongsi sesuatu tapi awak takut orang lain tahu. Ingat tak lagi the two things awak dah janji pada saya, sampai skrg tak ada pun.

Dah lebih 3 kali saya minta, dan setiap itu awak kata okay, okay, okay. Saya takkan minta lebih dari 3 kali.

Kadang-kadang, saya terkilan awak buat saya macam nie.

Tapi saya tahu, awak sangat sibuk kan ? Hati saya sejuk bila awak datang minta maaf. Saya tahu awak tak bermaksud pun. Kan ? Kan ?

atau

mungkin saya tak cukup bagus untuk awak ?

atau

mungkin saya salah. Salah sebab mahu lebih bila apa yang awak ada hanya cukup untuk seadanya ?

tapi cuma satu pesan saya

"satunya harta saya awak dah pegang, saya harap awak jaga elok-elok"

"awak awak...saya penat. Biar saya berehat dulu"

Selamat tinggal buat sekarang.

*picisan mana hanya kira maknanya sahaja

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Bila Aku Dah Tak Tahu Apa Nak Dibuat Lagi

I'm moving on anyway..... biar la right ?

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Pergi dan Pulang

Aku akan berlepas pukul 1140 mlm esok. Maafkan semua salah silap aku. Halalkan makan minum aku.

Selamat tinggal sayang, Selamat tinggal cinta

3 minggu aku di sini, banyak yang jadi. Hati aku senak.

Konflik keluarga yang tak pernah habis. Tipikalkah keluarga melayu melukut jauh dari komunikasi ?

Timbul pula sebaris harapan tidak terjawap. Sehingga aku tawar hati untuk bermimpi indah setiap malam. Setiap janji setiap kata dilafaz sekadar buat hati senang untuk berangan. Sekarang, tidak perlu sudah sesiapa ajak aku bermimpi. Lena aku sudah kosong.

Ada juga masa dibuang kawan sendiri tanpa satu sebab pun yang aku tahu. Berkali ditanya mengapa, berkaliaku meminta maaf, sudahla, biar sampai sini saja, mungkin aku baik tak bertempat.

Juga aku mungkin pergi dngan hati kosong. Sambil menunggu si dia pulang menyambut aku pergi. Pulang lah, pulang lah kamu, hati aku, seselamat mungkin. Aku masih menunggu. Menunggu selagi detik itu waras.

Pulang la jiwa, pulang la hati. Aku tunggu. Hingga habis masa.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Over It

It was hard. Telling the truth but yeah, it worked.

Once I have let go, at least the pain, if not the burden, is relieved.

I'm sorry for we both got hurt along the way but it was unenviable and inevitable.

I'm stepping forward on different sidewalk with you moving along with your own thought.

Ain't be hoping on hopes coming from your words no more

Cause I won't be here for too long.

Hugs n Kisses from'a man who have had enough.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Tersangkut Parah

Tak kira hidup siapa. Kita semua hadapi perkara yang sama. Setiap lagu emosi semua cerita pasal hidup kau, aku, dia, kamu dan kita.

Seperti mana kita mula jatuh cinta. Hantar text kepada dia.

" awak awak, awak dengar lagu nie. Saya rasa mcm tu kt awak :) "

Bila bergaduh dan mahu reconcile

" sayang, janganla mcm nie " samada kamu atau dia yang dulukan maaf, terpulang kepada siapa lebih rational. samada keadaan makin parah atau terbalik kepada gaduh2 manja antara kamu, itu bukan urusan aku.

Sepanjang muka kamu masam, kamu dengar lagu yang mungkinkan he's/she's cheating on you? atau mungkinkan he's/she's the one.

Ikut jalan yang kamu hendakkan, jika si dia yang kamu mahukan atau tidak.

*sengih

Ini kisah typical.



Friday, August 6, 2010

Antara Malang dan Drama Melayu

August 4th

8.10 p.m

Nasib baik train dari mid valley ke putra lepas pukul 7 lenggang. Beg ikea yang penuh dgn tupperware hijau putih, bantal merah darah dan hijau pucuk pisang dan juga laundry stand aku genggam sebelah kiri. Sebelah kanan bawak travelling bag.

Dengan jeans lusuh dan t-shirt kain lembik gambar television pakai rambut palsu retro belah tepi palsu aku jalan sambil berkaca mata. Sempoi sudah...

Erm.....kenapa kakak tu kt sebelah train menuju ke Seremban pandang aku semacam.

Tanggalkan kaca mata. Fuuh lega, dah x nampak muka dia. Haha

8.15 p.m

Sampai putra, kejakunan budak kampung dalam kota besar aku pendam. Sesat pun xpe janji deodorant masih berfungsi dan ketiak tak berpeluh. Mana cool beb bila angkat lengan bawah ketiak basah.

Ok ! Jumpa Putra Bus Station ! Babi, nak letak beg lopek mcmni pun kena bayar 6 hengget. Oleh kerana enggan membuat scene semacam Kak Pah dalam scandal fitnahnya, aku bayar juga.

Solat jamak n qasa....biasala..malas. haha

Beli tiket, kira semua nota nota seringgit. Perghh cukup cukup.

GCB regular set satu kak ! Air xnak coke, kasi itu milo? Kak ! No ice okay !

*smbil main2 mata dgn kak tu tp dia tak perasan sbb baru lps kena marah. mungkin dengan bos dia.

Hampa

9.00 p.m

Telefon Apek yang akan terbang ke India.

Telefon Mie...

tgh berbual "beep beep beep"

"Battery Low"

Hp trus senyap sunyi

Fuck !!! X sempat nak bagitahu abah nak ambik kat mana dan pukul berapa !!!

August 5th

3.00 a.m

Abah sampai.

Aku masuk. Load bags dalam kereta.

Abah terus mengamuk sampai la kt rumah.

Macam2 keluar dan aku kena hambur.

Aku diam.

6.30 a.m

Lepas dua jam merintih, aku letih.

Solat subuh.

6.45 a.m

Siaran Tamat.



Saturday, July 24, 2010

Melodies are slowly gone

"Family nie mmg tak macam family orang lain !!"

Aku jalan straight, masuk bilik and hempas pintu sedikit kuat. Kalau pasal family je, semua susah, semua nk kena fikir dua tiga kali... Sumpah aku fed up macam ni. Malas lah nak ulang banyak kali...semua dah tua dah.

Tak guna kalau aku cakap pun.

God, please don't let me lose the melodies. Where do I hear the songs when it is gone ? How would I dance slow if the music doesn't last ?

Leng Chai cakap buruk macamana pun sedara. Since I have said too many times too often that ones will never know what they got till' it's gone, I shall abide.

Fuck !! aint this hard, composing yourself into believing something you don't, so you put hope on those shattering details, every bit of elusive dreams you would die for ??

God is always there. And here after families saddens me, I look into you friends for the escaping and missing pieces of melodies and strength. Kawan baik sekampung, kawan baik sekolej, kawan baik sejenis. So I chose to turn to one of them, and what have I gotten so far ?

Nonchalant replies.....acuh tak acuh when I'm in need of you.

"Oh patutla.....it's ok. Aku faham beza dia dan aku"

Jika bunyi berbalas "janganla merajuk....ok take care" dan terus senyap

......monolog "kawan ........................ ?"

aku nak tengok sejauh mana kau di sana dengan muka berpaling semata2 untuk seorang yang kau gelar teman. Aku mahu ukur masa, setakat mana berat aku pada mata kau.

Tapi sebenarnya aku sendiri pun tak tahu sejauh aku akan tunggu. For this particular part, you should know that I am starting to give up. Give up on you, Give up on this !

Semua jalan yang aku pilih, lagi banyak bawa regrets dari senyum kambing aku hari hari.......dan sekarang aku mula dengar

~~~~defeat is calling~~~~
~~~~~sinking to rise no more for now~~~~~

Friday, July 9, 2010

Naive

Sometimes I really really admire my anserine naiveté and commands when it comes to the rapport I have lavishly rendered to some people. Pleading myself into thinking that some people.....

Ah tak payah lah nak tulis !!! Benggang betul !

Monday, July 5, 2010

Tipikal Hari2 Boring ! :)

Selain daripada Ainul Mardhiah's craving for this Coach Graphic Op Art Alexandra, which she has determined to buy from Macy's, banyak menda yang menarik aku buat hari ni dan berlaku semalam.

Celik2 mata dari tidur tengahari je tgk ada im yahoo, semek ni tanya pendapat aku pasal handbag ni. Aku kata la macam untuk golongan2 ibu je. Then my mum yang sama baru bangun tido tak semena-mena saw this and said without me asking

"Fuuuh, macam bag untuk tok wan tok wan ! " ^_^ hahaha lupa plk nk bgtau eno.

and the only reason why she loves this one so much is because it is PURPLE !!! and i was like
-___-''

*sweat
COACH GRAPHIC OP ART ALEXANDRA

So instead aku cadangkan hobo kulit Coach Kristin. Design dia sesuai sket utk setuden.

COACH KRISTIN LEATHER HOBO

Tapi taste aku lain, aku suka something yang one of a kind like Hermes Birkin Bag. Classic and timeless.

OKAY YES PEOPLE !!! jus in case korg tak tahu, fashion is my je ne se qua ! Dengan hidung yang kembang kempis dan muka yang memang tak tahu malu, I do have great taste ! hahaha

Biasanya, kalau kawan aku suka sesuatu barang and I don't find it tasteful, they won't buy it. Hahaha but not because of my judgement because i would always say

"Kahmon la wei, even a babi wouldn't be caught dead wearing that ! " hahaha jahat kan ?

Semalam aku sempat habiskan "Cinta Sufi", trilogi melayu pertama yang aku follow. Actually aku tak minat sgt baca novel2 nieh.

*google image

Cerita dia best with good twists here and there. Ada satu babak nie, then Puteri Kober Gandring nak bunuh Hang Tuah, I was actually expecting Puteri Gunung LEdang turun sekali dengan gamelan Majapahit untuk cat fight or at least main tarik2 rambut dengan Puteri Kober Gandring tu.

Kemunculan naga memang sedikit kelakar.

So sampai sekarang aku tertanya2.....bukanla nak percaya kt mende2 ni nnt syirik pulak, cuma I really2 like the elusive nature of the legendary Puteri Gunung Ledang. The old folks back then might have created this for the sake of its whimsical and satirical morale revolving around peasants and the monarch but sometimes there seem to be a slightest gist of truth that makes this whole legend to sound very much credible and yet true.

I am now referring to the actual epitomize-tion of Daulat when the blue blood is still thick. As my mum says sumpah sultan does transcend into life.

Apa khabar lagenda masyur ini ?

okay okay CUT CUT !!! hahaha

Biasalah, mungkin susu ibu overdose time kecik2 dulu, over kreatif sgt ;D

Tak puas hati betul aku dgn ending dia, rasa mcm nak baling je novel ni kt dinding tak pun bakar je. Makin banyak spekulasi liar dan syak wasangka Encik Ramlee ni buat. Geram betul aku. It is still nice tho.... :]

Dem, tetiba lak rasa dah lama tak puji diri sendiri lah ! :) Erm....ni update yang aku simpan untuk korang sampai berkulat and dah basi pun. Jangan marah ye ?

sari galore !! DEM !

this is my date ! my ChuChu !
^_^
oh ya, I picked the dress and the heels for her !
Panas kan ? haha

jalan masuk !

after party soiree hahaha....padahal kena kemas bilik.

Paremala. Future Menteri Pembangunan Ipoh.

Korang caya tak, yang pakai baju batik tu Lecturer aku ???

Sangap dengan belon ! Comel lah !! I mean the balloon not me. haha

Biasalah kalau tak gado tak sah ! ;]

So hari ini memang sangat letih. Pagi pagi buta dah pergi mengadap pengerusi JKKK untuk mintak pengedahan untuk borang yayasan then kayuh pulak basikal ke pejabat ADUN untuk mintak sain yang berhormat lak. Sampai sana, ornag pejabat suruh datang balik lepas pukul 2. Haizz

Takpelah...nasib baik dekat.

Sementara menunggu kt rumah, disebabkan keboringan yang telampau, aku pun main la saloon dgn mak aku. Rumah aku still under major renovation so kt dapur ni la berlakunya semua drama.

Aku tarik kerusi komputer tu, on kan hair dryer dan blow dry rambut mak aku !!! Hahahahaha

Dia kata "Nak rambut mcm tu mcm ni mcm ni"

Aku pulak "Oh okay okay okay" layan je

Bila dah siap, aku tgk rambut mak aku yang aku blow dry sendiri pun nak tergelak !! Kembang gila babi !!!! Hahahaha

"Alah dah mcm kucing meow meow ! "

:]

Friday, July 2, 2010

Sikat Rambut

Hari ini adalah hari paling comel antara aku dan Mie aku. Hahaha....aku biasanya buat2 bengis dgn mak aku bila dia suruh buat apa-apa tadi nak pecah perut tahan gelak.

Comel sangat-sangat. :]

Cut short story even shorter...

Aku tengah baca novel "Cinta Sufi" kat ruang tamu luar rumah atas kerusi plastik cap bintang yang selalu ada kat kenduri2 kahwin tu tak silap. Baca baca then suddenly my mum came with a sikat.

She stood behind me and started combing my hair !! She just combed my hair less than 2 hours ago and I was still at the age 20 !!!

Aku terkelu. Hahaha....xtau nak kata apa.

The she asked "Nie nak belah rambut ke kiri ke kanan nieh ?? "

I was like "Kenapa nie, bosan ke?"

So she told "Time kecik2 dulu, mcm nie lah Mie sikat rambut adik tahu ? "

Mie sikat rambut aku to tell me not to easily get angry. Hahahahah

Comel sgt2 aku rs. Then she just went away goreng kerepok keping.


*tetiba rs nk post gmbr ni again :] :]


Monday, June 28, 2010

Sudah !

9.30 pm tonight will mark all the difference. Aku tinggilkan semuanya di sini. Yang penting sahaja aku bawa pulang. Kisah karut, cerita mati, lara pendosa dan hikayat songsang semua aku mahu tinggal.

Two weeks of awfully sinful unforgettable faces is enough. Ada yang kata sayang sekadar buat aku tertunggu siang malam. Aku halalkan caranya. Pada yang di otak sekarang cuma sekadar gugur menretak bumi.

"I'm male whore" Perlu kah aku sinikal dengan hidup sendiri ? Atau ada perlu aku dikencing atas muka ?

Paling sakit jika kau open up segala rahsia hanya untuk ditinggalkan tanpa selamat tinggal di akhirnya. Oh lupa, dia tidak faham kenapa parut itu gatal.

This is, I am walking away for good !

Allah will always be with me, Damned sinner like me has soul too

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Selangkah Sudah Pergi



Ok. American Foundation Program dah. Calculus 1, Calculus 2, Cell Biology and Chemistry semua dah lepas. American Credit Tranfer Program pun dah lepas !

*diam

Ah sebak ! Dengan hidup aku yang masih tunggang-langgang ibarat tongkah pecah dibalun ribut aku sayang, sangat-sangat sayang nak tinggalkan semua yang buat hari-hari aku indah di sini ! Terumanya Miss Mala (menteri pembangunan ipoh ), Badr (Si Bulan), ChuChu fei tut tut aku.

"Just know that you're not in this thing alone
There's always a place in me you can call home
Whenever you feel like we're growing apart
Let just go back back back back back to the start"
[Andre Meritt]

Langkah semakin ke depan. Tempat di Rutgers sudah konfirm. Passport pun sudah siap. Visa US pun dah terima. Graduation pun sudah. Sekarang cuma hiatus selama less than 2 months.





*tarik nafas

Dalam masa kurang dua bulan aku akan tinggalkan tanah kelahiran aku. Ke tempat asing di mana aku pula adalah seorang stranger. Perasaan berbaur sayang dan takut. Takut pada gelap di negara orang. Semua ini untuk cita-cita aku. Tidak semestinya dalam apa aku duduki exams setiap semester. Impian aku yang sebenarnya.

"Is it better ? Is it worse ?
Are [I] sitting in reverse ?
It's like [I'm] going backwards
I know where I want this to go
Driving fast but let's go slow
What I don't wanna do is crash, no "
[Adre Meritt]

Semoga semuanya akan bertambah elok dan kuat.

" Anything that's worth having
Is sure enough worth fighting for
Quitting's out of the question
When it gets tough gotta fight some more"
[Andre Meritt]



AH SEBAK ! TAK NAK TULIS DAH !

Monday, June 21, 2010

Tentang bingkinsandamaikasturi@blogspot.com dan juga Pencarian Meratah Hidup

Aku tak tahu kenapa aku sangat-sangat suicidal bila aku bosan. Sengaja aku titik nila dalam susu. Masihlkah ada yang sudi dekat selepas semuanya punah ? Baru sekarang aku terfikir, bagaimanakah esok, bagaimanakan lusa dan bagaimanakah masa depan?

Bagaimana akan aku terangkan kepada pemilik hati tentang silam yang kelam ? Cara apa yang paling tidak akan buat dia terluka dengan siapa aku sekarang ?

"Wanita-wanita yang keji adalah untuk lelaki-lelaki yang keji.........wanita-wanita yang baik adalah untuk lelaki-lelaki yang baik....."

Begitu bagaimana Allah mempertahankan Aisyah r.a daripada fitnah dalam suruh an-Nur. Maknanya, aku simpulkan aku bukan dari kalangan lelaki-lelaki baik? Jika benar, jelas cerah terang hari esok.

Kondisi ang jerumus tadi buat aku terpikir bahawa "he is a pig !!" ....kemudian aku sedar yang aku juga tidak ubah seperti dia. A what ? A pig !

Yes.....sometimes aku terpikir macamana aku boleh rendahkan diri aku sampai ke tahap itu sekali. Serendah-rendah darjat manusia.

Aku masih cuba untuk berubah. Aku perlu lelaki sepermainan yang buat aku lupa tentang bosan dunia. Perlu seorang perempuan dalam hati buat hari semakin indah.
Seolah dan seperti buat dosa. Apa perlu aku buat jika sedar di pertengahan ? Semua tahu, hidup tidak berundur. Masa tak mungkin berpatah arah. Malaikat Atid tidak mengkin memadam apa yang telah dicatat. Rapib pun tidak mungkin akan cover up untuk aku.

Apa guna menyesal bila sudah terhantuk ? Benjol tetap ada. Cuma berdoa agar lebam tak panjang.

Beginilah hidup aku. Aku berjalan dalam satu

PENCARIAN MERATAH HIDUP


kerana hidup ini kejam. Setiap langkah aku silap, hampir semua akan disiat lumat. Dengan dosa-dosa buat hati kelam timbul umpana hama di atas tikar sejadah. Aku mencari sesuatu yang sekarang aku pun tak pasti apa dia. Cuma sekadar dikhabarkan agar terus mencari.

Setakat ini semua yang aku jumpa dalam carian ini, walaupun banyak buruk dari molek, makin asah arah tuju aku dalam hidup. Tak kurang jejari tangan yang sanggup menusuk tahi buat nafsu orang lain senang.

Ini mungkin my bumpy roads.

Aku berjalan dengan

BINGKISAN DAMAI KASTURI

buat bekal agar jalanan aku seharum kasturi biar tangan penuh tahi. Agar damai berjalan sungguh jiwa meronta mahu bebas dari dosa dan mahu terus berdoa. Semoga Allah masih simpati dan biarkan kasturi ini dengan aku.

Aku mahu terus hidup.

Amin.

Juga maaf, semua aku tulis ini benar bukan sekadar mahu bermuka. Aku cuma mampu untuk cuba berkias kerana aku sendiri malu dengan cara aku hidup.

Aku akan terus cuba



Monday, June 7, 2010

A Mere Thought of a Friend

Kenapa perlu semua ini ?

HATI SESAK SEBAK

..............


I can't do this anymore any longer

I'm so sorry

Untuk Kebaikan Semua

"aku sanggup ko benci aku kalau semua ini bleh selesai"
"I'm sorry"
"Farewell Tarmizi"

Saat aku lepaskan pergi seorang kawan....


I wish he knew how much it hurts

Letting go is never easy

And the pain it stamps will never cease

Just let me be the one to leave

Just let me be........

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Apa Kamu Akan Buat ?

Di kampung.

Solat subuh 6.45 pagi dan kutip buah kuini lepas mak aku lecture aku seberat 3 karong guni dan bila berselipar jepun basah sambil bau kuini jatuh yang bercampur dengan embun sepatutnya buat aku tenang.

Tidak.

Lihat Panjang si meow meow malas-malas atas kayu bawah rumah tunggu masa makan tengahari sepatutnya buat aku geram mahu kacau dia tidur. Rutin pagi waktu kanak-kanak untuk memburu nasi lemak. Sekarang.....

Tidak

Bau embun dan merahdagu langit belakang batang pokok pinang dulu selalu buat aku rindu rumah. Rindu mahu pulang. Rindu ayam-ayam arwah Pak Cik Man bertenggek atas dahan pauh. Rindu mahu termenung di pantai, membuang masa secara berhemah. Petang biasanya berkayuh sana-sini cari kedai condel dan pisang lembik goreng mampu kick start nocturnal activities aku dengan penuh hebat sekali. Kini...

Tidak

Susah jadi lelaki yang (pernah) selalunya excited untuk semua perkara yang dibuat.

~Mahu kemas rumah exicted.
~Mahu turun dinner ramai-ramai excited.
~Mahu chat dengan strangers excited.
~Mahu kluar outing biasa wiken excited.
~Mahu goreng cendawan untuk housemates excited.
~Mahu ke tandas pun aku akan beritahu satu rumah aku.

*senyum

Jalan hidup. Titik mula kita sepak mula dengan carian apa mahu kita. Kita cari, kita cari dan terus cari. Sepanjang jalan, seperti Jalan Petaling yang penuh dengan brader2 borong. Ada masanya kita dapat pakej borong baik. Ada masa tidak.

Kebanyakkan masanya, tidak.

Lepas seketika, kita mula mahir perihal emosi yang merempat. Celah mana letaknya hotel, susur mana adanya brothel, jalan mana bersih, jalan mana penuh lalat. Semua kita mula hafal sampai suatu masa, kita cukup mahir untuk mengajar mereka yang baru. Katakan, mahir itu apa yang kita angankan. Katakan.
Dan akan sampai juga suatu masa, kebiasaan yang keterlaluan buat dunia hambar. Hiasan jalanan, peha2 perempuan, peluh2 jantan dan macha jual cendol, semuanya sama untuk masa masa akan datang.

Oh mungkin muka warisnya bertukar silih.

Dan orang juga akan kata, saat magis hanya sekali. Apa akan jadi bila magis itu mula hilang? Aku nampak dalam cermin. Aku dengar dalam mata. Aku hidu tepi jalanan. Semangat mula hilang. Mahir aku bukan lagi penuh teruja seperti dulu.

Hambar

My forte is leading me somewhere else, falling in love with something I am not suppose to.

Malam-malam aku sesak dengan kata manis buat hati sebak. Aku baca sekali, dua kali, tiga kali. Sesak ! Tulisan dan kata aku mula songsang, berpatah arah pada petunjuk lalang. Hati aku kecamuk dengan masa depan yang mula mengecil, masa kini yang kebelakang dan juga setiap masa yang menghambat pergi.

Buat seketika, aku sangka adanya teman bercakap di hujung talian buat aku tenang.

Sekali lagi tidak. Bukan tenang, cuma sekadar lega mendengar suaranya yang tahannya tak ubah seperti dentum kilat dari muka langit hingga ke dahi bumi.

Beritahu, apa perlu kita buat apabila magis mula hilang ?

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Berfikir Sebentar

Akui....aku tidaklah sewarak mana. Yeah. Aku jahat but it doesn't take away my responsibilities.

I am growing up.

Cuma Hati aku agak tersentuh menbaca ini.

Mungkin kalian juga patut baca.

Monday, May 31, 2010

Relay For Life KL 2010; the essence was celestial

So last wiken aku jadi volunteer untuk satu annual event ni calls Relay For Life. An event untuk commemorate, cherish and celebrate cancer survivors, cancer patients and those who have lost the battle against it.

Around the field, they built a tract and the tract was not allowed to be empty for 16 hours straight. There must always had contestants walking around it, symbolizing the ongoing fight against cancer. It might have looked vain but the feeling was there. Seriously and especially when people stood on stage giving speeches r memoirs bout their lost loved ones. Memang berdiri bulu roma. Bukan sebab seram ke hape but then the gist of the whole idea was just heart warming.




group volunteer INTEC

depan starting point

lanterns to commemorate those loved ones...

It was held on the 29th and 30th May 2010 dekat Bukit Jalil. And since summer sem ni kelas pun 4 jam je seminggu baik aku sign up untuk event ni jadi volunteer. So bertolak dari kolej pukul 11.30 am then sampai around kul 1.00 pm cmtu. Sampai je terus buat kerja, preparing for the event to start.

Aku Cedric, Sharan, Nathaniel and Muru dapat kerja yang paling senang and juga paling tough. Paling simple gantung banner. Paling susah kena assemble satu signboard yang sangat besar. Gila besar kot !! Mula mula......

sesi menolak trolley

sesi angkat plywoods :]

bila dah siap pasang semua.....awesome ah!

TAAA DAAA !! bila dah siap !
puas hati bai bila tengok nie !!

Gila, it involved a pile of sweat ! In the sun wei. I sweated like nobody's business and campur dengan hadiah bonus lagi, thank you "I am now darker than I already am". Dem ! But it was fun and memorable la. Tarik and main trolley sana sini tengah panas dengan plywoods yang bertimbun and kalu tak gain muscles a few pounds mmg tak guna la.

Hahahaha

As the walk started, we could see all the cancer survivors giving their support. Who would have thought that behind those friendly flesh and perky smiles of those nyonyas, aunties and grandmas, they were once had death lingered within their body. Honestly, mmg inspirational habis la diorg ni. Ada auntie nie, despite tract yang berlumpur and hujan, she walked high in her stilettos wearing her best dress and jewellery.

antara celebrities yang hadir

mak cik yang pakai baju purple tu lah ! :]

Yeah, the hell with what was on her way, it was, indeed, her day of celebration. She and they were THE celebrities that night !

Then, untuk group duty. Buat field cleaning, kutip sampah. Perghh gila pro aku kutip sampah. Habis satu round mmg penuh sampah dalam beg sampah! Bangga gila aku ! :]

Aku dengan KherLee jerit

"garbage, garbage garbage" and bila sampai booth je "Any garbage Sir ??" hahaha..... dahla dengan tak bermandi, muka penat, and berkaki ayam and bersalut lumpur lak tu. Memang dah boleh isi borang untuk apply keje dgn MBSA ni.


sesi kutip sampah hahah

best DOEE main lecoh !! :p

Tidak ketinggalan mestilah main games untuk dapat hadiah free !! Haha

main "hulahup" and tahan for 3 secs then dapat barang Nivea for Men! :]
hahaha aku suka hadiah free.
mane pun hadiah, mesti la free kan ? apa laaa
menggong btul

percaya tak the one wearing blue dress it is a guy ??? :] hihi
mmg lady-like habis lah! suara dia pun !

Then malam sket, ada performance dari American Embassy. They performed bangra !! DEM !!! aku suka gila kot bangra !!! Gila best! We all volunteer siap ber-aerobik lagi ikut lagu Om Shanti Om !! Hahaha.. untuk hilangkan mengantuk. But then still, we ended up ponteng satu group service dari pukul 5-6 pagi. Then aku pulak cun cun je dapat sakit kepala. Apalagi, terus je landing kt kerusi stadium, tido sampai pagi.

aerobik bangra style !! :] :]

Hahaha....this event mmg best giler. Walaupun dua hari tak mandi, tak salin baju. Memang best gila dan yang paling penting AKU STAYED WANGI !!! hahahaah

Dengan ini saya ini mengucapkan penghargaan kepada deodorant Adidas kerana tidak memasamkan ketiak saya dan juga kepada perfume Calvin Klein yang Bad punya. Haha

Sekian terima kasih.

*take a bow :] :] :]

Oh esok ada seminar Herbal Medicine and kena berkejar untuk ATU night meeting lagi. Dem. Rabu ada test Islamic Finance, aku dah study apa-apa pun lg. Khamis, pergi Klang ikut Babi beli sari. Jumaat kena pg hospital ambik immunization. Nak jumpa Kai lg. Nak balik Kemaman lg and kalu nasib baik, boleh pg Kuantan jumpa Miji and Faris. :] :]

4th Jun, Larry masuk INTEC !! YEAY !!

Banyaknya agenda. Oh how I live my life ! :] :] :]

Thursday, May 27, 2010

StrangerAtHeartNot;CendolBalik

Ok....dulu aku disable comment moderation atas dasar freedom of speech tapi sekarang bila tulisan aku dah sikit terjulap rasa bersalah pulak tak balas komen komen baru. So aku akan activate balik with all comments are approve-guaranteed.

Do talk, or write here for that matters, okay ?

Isi untuk malam ni adalah tentang orang asing dan hari semalam yang sangat comel.

Hahaha....Dah start memualkan ke?

"Bengkok" ....... macam kelakar.

Aku ni jenis manusia yang suicidal bila boring. Aku akan buat stuffs yang most people would only regards as relentlessly idiotic and eccentric. Dan salah satu perkara yang aku akan buat when boredom runs the gamut crazy is chatting with strangers.

Trust me, semua jenis social networking website aku dah pernah cuba. Semua genre aku tibai. Bila aku kata semua yes, i mean S.E.M.U.A.

Lets me not spare you guys the details but then as I was just farting away (hahaha) and mourning through my boredom hours, I met him. The comfort was there.

So we chatted and quickly became friends. Has been such since then till now. Hahaha tu je nak cakap. For the matter of fact, aku dah pun jumpa dia. Kerja gila pergi jumpa mamat nie. Scary lak tu. Macam terminal KTM "Slim River" pada pukul 2.00 pagi.

Trust me, it was scary. I mean the terminal, not him. -__-''

Apa yang aku nak cakap ni, not all strangers are assholes or lil' junkie's prick or anything. Cuma, i I don't know, personally, it is a blissful virtue to knock on my senses that there are still good people, especially strangers, out there.

At some point, aku cuma glad that my mum's wrong this time!! Buahahaha. Yet then, feet are still chained to the ground. Don't worry.

Cuma sekarang, satu je yang melayang layang dalam otak ? Is there anything lurking behind my carelessness ? Like seriously, I am very careless in pretty much anything. Because things havehappened, guess those are the result of my carelessness doe.

Entahla, he told me but then still I am thinking. Apa-apapun, this one goes to all new friends of mine. Farina and Kai.

Kai ?? Hahahaha... nama nak hot je. Tension.

Celestially carved by Maria Branwell (1783-1821) to Patrick Bronte

" My dear friend, This address is sufficient tp convince you that I do not only permit, but approve of yours to me - I do indeed consider you as friend; yet when I consider how short a time I have had the pleasure knowing you, I start at my own rashness,.....and did I not think that you would be disappointed and grieved.......Do not think I am so wavering as to repent of what I have already said.......

The politeness of others can never make me forget your kind attentions, neither I can walk our accustomed rounds without thinking on you, and, why should I be ashamed to add, wishing for your presence. I never deceive you, or, exceed the truth....

I rely on your goodness to pardon everything in this which may appear too free or too stiffs, and beg that you will consider me as a warm and faithful friend.

I must now conclude with again declaring myself to be

Yours sincerely "

A dear friend

Just how deep strangers could touch the very core of your heart huh? Kita masing-masing asing, tapi you fail to recognize that, instead lead me the way around and puff my seat with warm hospitality. I'm thanked.

Gila tersentuh hati aku. Anywho, nie gambar aku bervacation di Kampar.


Gua Tempurung

Kellie's Castle

Somewhere in Ipoh :p haha

Thank you folks for such admiring repertoire!

Oh ya!!! Tak lupa jugak Si Cendol aku sudah pulang dari AMerika untuk cuti Summer sem!! So we went out. Gila bertuah and sangat comel dan awesome hari ini ! Dan Pari belajar ice skate and curse -__-'' Hahaha

Rindu gler !!! :]

Si Cendol

Pari's learning how to skate

Look at the room !!!

And the food !! RM12 buffet;unlimited!

So semalam memang comel habis ! Ok dah lewat. Kena tidur dan bangun esok boleh terus lunch! Yeah!

Nite folks.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Siapa aku ?

One girl asked someone's girlfriend siapa nama aku ???

Hahaha

Adakah ? :)

Ataupun adakah ? -___-''

Celaka babi cakap

"Maybe your picture looks one kind kot she wants avoid you"

Hahaha...... the news was kinda funny and it had made my night a lil bit. Hahaha

Whoever you are.

Thank you for asking.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

My mum told me "DONT TALK TO STRANGER !!"" guess I never listen. Hahaha

All those seemingly and rather "sinful" acts of inanity out of boredom and lack of self-consciousness are now paying off. Don't bother asking me what have I been doing lately for I won't tell.

Trust me, your great length of effort wouldn't even weigh up to my own rightful rationale, the mind with twisted tricks shall anyway get me wronged. For a normal guy to be doing this, which with null recommendation from me for any guy to do so, is just anomalous and eccentric.

A bit kinky I would say.

:P Hahaha

Albeit there are some nasty ones, who practically are obnoxious social dominatrices, such a bliss it is to know all those awfully nice people.

Harry Zheng (a complete puzzling taciturn who has a few GOLD SPOONS in his mouth)
Larry Paing (perangai macam haram) hahaha
Kai Ah Long (ethnic tidak diketahui sebab terlalu komplicated) -__-""

Awful people. Just awfully nice.

Hello all.

:]

Babi, I have so many things to tell you

Monday, May 17, 2010

Trying again

My queen, 17 May 2010

Assalamualaikum my dear lovely

Do recite the 99 most beautiful names of Allah with me, then it shall commit to your formless memory that you could only love me as long as He wants you to. Oh God, ar-Rahman as-Salam, hear my anguish longing and passion to behold a legacy and an affair of my heart, so it be a resonance to our humble existence. I just haven't met you met. Just yet.

Sometimes it kicks in hard in me as I feel what Lady Mary Wortley Montagu felt as she tried to glance into the uncertainty. Almost 300 years has passed, how amazing it is to see before my eyes, her words are making path, evoking the slightest gist of thought that this, to continue loving your company devoid of your physical presence, could alter my whole life course.

She said
"I tremble for what we are doing. Are you you will love me for ever? I fear and I hope."

Could we be like how I imagine we should be ? I fear. Thus lets us just wait for the curtain to unfasten. It will soon my heartily beloved. It will.

Dear my lady

In recent times, my mind is occupied with various fixations making sharp commotion and appearing enraged before me. Try as I might with every effort not to be throwing barrage like she does. Try not to gaze into that pair of sarcasm iris for hatred will be the only result. One of her kind, I think is enough. Words she says never once weigh up to the surrounding sensation or another being's sentiment. Sadden and hurting me to see and learn, her medicine is too little too much too bitter for her own liking. For such loathsome admiration, trust is no longer lurking beneath.

As my sight falls on her, it fades. Laughter is no longer echoed. Giggle is no longer heard. Words has failed me. And the line has turned dull. It just does.

Still, friendship are meant for worldly trials. This would be just one of 'em.

And my friend, Larry. How his silence is tormenting my soul. It causing me guilt. Harry, another taciturn whose persona is puzzling me. He seems to like me a lot.

Baby please, be here. Be here. Be here.

Be here fast.

Be waiting always
Your humble man ;p
Che Engku Amin Che Engku Aziz

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

This Ain't It

Jadual di INTEC UiTM has taken away my lust for blogging, or writing for that matters.

Words are no more here.

~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Lets Talk About Curse

She banged the table.

Got us accursed with something about the future.

"YOU GUYS ARE NOT GOING TO MAKE IN IN THE FUTURE IF YOU CONTINUE BEHAVING LIKE THIS !!!"

Furiously in tears stormed out.

Kahmon, behaving like what la ? How old are you ? 16 ? And I thought I left my high school behind. Maybe you should too.

*there a reason behind the invention of the "reject" button kat henpon tu ok?

Hahaha....

Apapun, this was aint my first experience. And surprisingly, I found it to be very funny. Macam filem hindustan + drama meleleh melayu. Dramatik giler dooee....

One this mak cik kerani once sumpah me jadi mekanik. Because of what ?? She was furious with the fact that I hate her school. Stuck up like shit man.

Your school sucked like shit. Was it my fault ? Damn you la if you say so.

I am human. I have my own right to my personal preference ! But then, it was funny and somewhat entertaining to see how far people would go just to make themselves sounds good but in fact, is a insolent fool.

I apologized enough. This time, ain't no more.

NO MORE


Tuesday, April 6, 2010

The Soul Has Spoken: hELLO neW york









Rutgers University New Brunswick : State University of New Jersey

One of the best research school for Biotechnology in USA.

Once offered to be a part of Ivy League but had it turned down in refusal to abide with its rules and regulation.

**jaw drop**

And once was offered by Princeton to be as one, and had it turned down ALSO !!!

****faint !!!***

With first year subject level is already at 400, which is the fourth year subject level, while the rest has it at only 200, somehow with Allah's grace and bless, I have got accepted.

This is the place I shall also be calling "HOME" by the end of this year for 3/4 years

Ain't nothing compare to HoMe SWEet FreAKIN HOMe though.

So, the State of Garden has welcomed me.

I shall abide with it.

Then, I will needing prayers from y'all.

my G.O.D

Allah

ALHAMDULILLAH

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Gracious Lilies

YOU, 30 March 2010

Blessing be upon you, gracious lilies

Upon my words ! How have I lived without you? Oh how have I wished upon the sad star wishing you were here tonight. I would just thank your mother for giving you birth. I am telling ye, my lady, "she's the one".

I am going up the hill, riding on a limping chariot, whose vigor no longer generous. I am whistling a theatrical ballad, a tale of the a man in his Grecian sandals abiding to the mournful and forlorn state of his mind. He is falling apart. I am falling apart.

Dancing in the dark ain't no a pleasure. No warmth is felt and no lust is mentioned. Those days once belonged to those singing Gypsies are long gone, coiled by fateful wind amid spring. Then I say, "floral in spring ? Groundbreaking"........ hush hush

Hush hush..... how have I been so cold. Would you assist me? I am limping after-all. Help me from the hungry-ness of those misleading devourer, sing me a Spanish lullaby bring me to sleep for I barely have the gut for tomorrow. Take me away, somewhere only birds chirping and bees humming. Oh lets grow lilies and have 'em in pots over the shimmering glass of tea.

Do you somehow feel I am not happy? I ain't no mad at anyone anymore. Spare a gist of your blissful breath of air and search for my soul.

Because I am here. And you are not. Please me.

Spare me......................

Your dear soul
Che Engku Amin Che Engku Aziz

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Patung Buruk di Pasaran !

SIAPA CUKUP BAIK MAHU BELI ?

SIAPA CUKUP PAHALA MAHU BELI ?

Maruah untuk dilelong
Harga diri untuk dijual
Ego untuk disewa
Rasa Hati untuk disepak-sepak
Emosi untuk diinjak-injak

Satu patung manusia on SALE. Harga starting baik punya. Still in good condition walaupun terlalu expired untuk memenuhi kriteria tipikal Melayu.

RM 0.00...... murah murah cukup murah

Ciri-ciri program dalaman:

# Melayu yang tak macam Melayu
# Mampu bertutur seperti orang Cina tetapi bukan bahasa Mandarin
# Fasih speakin London (ada slang)
# Terlalu multi racial
# Dibenci oleh patung2 Melayu lain
# Punya suara lantang
# Dilabel outspoken (diva)

Berminat ? Sila bida.

Harga masih boleh dirunding untuk pembeli persendirian.

So...............

LELONG LELONG LELONG !!

p/s :

For my entire lire, I have never been this fucking disappointed. K.U.D.O.S (sesetengah) rakan Melayu ku sekalian. Selepas 2 tahun bermanis muka dan jadi baik, rupanya aku dari awal dibenci kamu. Tahniah kalian. Tahniah !!



Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Please Ucapkan Selamat Tinggal Sebab Hati Aku Dah Tawar

Do you always have to talk to me in such fashion as if I am not a man?

Look, sometimes I know that my silver acidified punya tongue makes you feel annoyed, offended, terasa or anything but I can assure you that it is my pure intention to be brutally honest for I do really care.

Why else do you think the reason I'm so attached to you ? Now, I'd rather keep it all inside for I'm no longer sure the repertoire of good-friendship between us is mutual.

Only Storm understands how easily the weather could change. Sinner like me has soul too. Don't push me, sebab I don't want to push back. It'd get ugly.

I stuff myself in to your shoes to see, to feel how is it like to walk in those. I've walked and I've known. Crowded. A bit clustered.

But why ? You should have known better b4 you said that. Serious shittyly, I am not elaborate at all.

Look at me, don't look through me!

One more thing, whenever I say "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it"....

It means that,
"Hell yes, I mean it but I'm apologizing for I'm making you upset"

.........A guy like me would always want to avoid THAT KIND of face.

So apa pun dalam jeruk pekasam ini, aku cuma nak kata

"Oh I'm sorry, I really really didn't mean it"

Oh ya, just in case you're reading this, feel free to know that my hati tawar already. But ya, things will get better for you for I'm taking A LOT of steps back and it won't be like before anymore.

I shall pray you'd live better this way.

Now, please bid your farewell to me.

I have had my run and I think I'm done.

Thank you.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

A scrap from the future

To future lover, 6 March 2010

Unto my dear lady, assalamualaikum.

Nights ain't conspicuous without your soul. Stars shall not smile in the absence your warmth. The moon, the moon would fall down when you are not around. As I recommend my truly desire to you, I pray long for Allah to preserve you in both body and soul, my dear lady.

I miss you. Ain't even half of what I feel inside. Shall I preserve ? Help me. So much often, in the troth of missing you so badly, I kiss the same air you might be breathing in. Oh amid those dreams, how I kiss the air makes me feel funny myself.

As for me, after all these years, I have endured such pain and fights all by myself. I've had my run. Those struggles and clamor seem to worth nothing without you by my side. And now, I've gotten one good tidings, a scrap piece from the future. If it is not too much of a humble poor form of me to ask, would you want to share the taste ?

Rutgers University of the Garden State has accepted me. I am thrilled, i reckon. Are you ?

Sometimes, writing this is painful. Do I make myself look folly ? Do this what they call stupid ? My welfare hasn't been good. I wake up with a bang in my head like tonnes of granites fired all at the same second. I'm sick and I am unhappy and THIS soothes me to the very soul.

Herein, I shall not trouble your grace with long writing but in my realm, you are everything I'm writing to. No more for now.

Taking an oath after the Katherine of Oregon,lastly, do I vow that my eyes desire you above all things; my resolution is taken by you. Allah always has you in keeping. Pray to Him and

Do love me well.

Your future own
Che Engku Amin Che Engku Aziz

Monday, March 1, 2010

Geli ??

So some asses wanted to vomit ?

Vomit lah. Hah muntah muntah la babi (bukan babi kesayangan aku, babi lain)

Take your time laughing at me.

*senyum

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Assalamualaikum, my dear lady

To future lover, 28 February 2010

My dear lady, assalamualaikum.

Myself shall not wrap around my oblivious rational thought that I'm now writing you a love epistle. To you, whom I'm sure in the grace of Allah, I shall pray for your well being. To you, whose warmth is my source of smile, shall be loved dearly and with Allah's merciful willing, I would not forsake you.

In my entire 20 years, my lady, I have been waiting. Some peasants say it is half timing and the other half's pure luck.

Shall I be devoted to it ?
Shall I turn away in shame of your absence?
Shall this heart loathe the continuous quest of love?
Mostly, shall I be loved by you?

I don't know. I don't. Then I beseech grace from Allah.

I'd ask from Him, every evening, after every recital, in my every minute shaky breaths, for you to transcend from this suffocating thin air so I would breath easy again.

For I'm sure neither I be acquainted with you nor hear your presence in this short uncertain future hereby I would, insyaAllah, full heartily love you. Thank you. Thank you my dearest right well-beloved hope for the counsel your future-attendance has put in me and for the dream I beseech solace from.

I've been thinking a lot lately about you, whoever you are. Would you walk with me hand in hand through the thick and thin ? Would my bad times push you apart? Shall it pleases you to hear of my welfare ?

Being a humble sinner I am, if you could be content with me, my poor form and sum, I would be the happiest man. Like how Nora Doyle had looked upon those girls in her time, marrying the man they thought they could live life with and said she'd rather wait for the one she couldn't live without. I believe that. I shall let time devours every inch of my vigor as I wait for you.

No more to you for now. May Allah keeps you in His grace and blessing, insyaAllah.

Your future own
Che Engku Amin Che Engku Aziz

Baru....

dengan menulis ini, aku sedang mencarikkan sedikit masa hadapan aku dengan tidak membaca

cystic fibrosis transmembrane conductance regulator

yang mungkin masuk untuk exam khamis ni. sigh..

Apa apa sajalah... Oh yang dulu bukan cirit birit. Digestion system mmg under permanent revonation. Selalu sakit perut. Tambah pula entah macamana aku blh dapat ingrown toe nails pulak. Babi aku boleh pulak pijak kaki aku masa dinner semalam. Tension betul aku!

Mulai ketika ini, aku akan mula tulis surat untuk kekasih masa depan aku. Kerana sekarang I miss her so much.

Friday, February 19, 2010

No Tajuk...Tulisan Picisan

Hidup penuh ironi.

Perang dingin keluarga. Perang tapi tak bercakap. Haizzz...orang tua. Lucu benar.

Chill sudei....aku punyala korban tido pagi nie nak bersiap pg kenduri kt Dungun n tunggu punyalah jadah lama, TAK JADI ?? panas btul lah.

Ke married life memang mcm ni ? Boleh ribut dengan tiba2 ?

Apapun.....

Cuba lihat fairy tales tagihan kanak kanak sekarang. Nanti aku akan bagitahu anak aku bila dia membebel how unfair it is for sleeping beauty kena curse.

"do you know that it's the parents' fault the princess kena curse ??!! The poor old witch is just offended for not being invited to the kenduri. Poor that mak cik you know ??"

And the same goes to the other tales. Too many bad formulations in these fairy tales.

Aku ingat cuti ni bolehla aku goyang punggung je rehat mcm Sin Chan. Analisa short stories "A Late Encounter With The Enemy" and "Girl" memang haram macam makan babi. Jamaica Kincaid ni memang nak kena.

Tapi good thing to know, humans should ada mata lebih dari dua. Just in case stupidity kicks in la kan?

Maaflah. Aku rasa cirit birit mempengaruhi idea aku.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

I TOLD

It happened. Finally.

I spoke, had no gut though and found a fracture one.

Emotion was unslung. The heart was recumbent.

Normally it would be the time I would let the red chaperon talk me out of telling. The poor small scared cat finally ran out outpouring from the filthy bag. How it inhaled the air it never breathed before.

This time, crying, I told someone. Surrendering a mountain of plight. The cloud above is a solace of broken pieces. Down the river, are those black dead guppies.

I felt the rain on my cheek. Those pugnacious drops were warm.

"The sins against God"

Nurture good but nature?

Then I read and keep busy. So I won't fall (again)........

But finally, I told.
"Yes, it was oral"


Sunday, January 31, 2010

Meniru Kerana Rindu:Hati Hampa

Finally I reckon, I deserve better; not another tear will drop fall. Shall I drive away and commence a smile? Realize I hadn’t for awhile. Almost a dime throughout these days in these 3 years I’ve been putting up countenance of a poker player. I don’t want to do this anymore. I despise myself playing a rend-hearted being.

The two digit number that has been knocking on the front door in 2010 really strucks the manly cord in me somewhere. Ah, not to mention the whole gamut is fanatical over it.

What a shame.

I have friends! What the fuck on this earth do I need a well establish companionship? For what? So the heart could be kaput into pieces once again? First scar is always the deepest and how surprising enough I am just an inch away from the scent of the beloved.

Friends keep nagging, lecturer wants to hook me up with some purdy ladies from the block and there I sense a gist of truth in this whole mania.

"No gang no outing no crabbing no talking no shit"

"Amin's suckerfied"


3 years folks! Well almost. For almost three years this numbness refuses to go away and I am not right. It is a denial I’ve existed in.


"the intented plagiarism in this context ain't even half of the poignancy within and is a definite statuette of a rend-hearted friend"


Sad.

Boys. Im sad. There is more than all the poignancy I've embroidered here.

How I wish my "classmates" Beethoven and Voltaire are here to comfort.

For you,you,you and only you, who will I left my heart with when I'll be with you in this short and uncertain future, please

"oh continue to love me ~~ never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved

ever thine

ever mine

ever ours"


Beethoven's 3rd love letter

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Dosa

Last time, It was a close call which I had shone through it a light of faith.

Today,however, the sky is dark and I have sinned. Legs, both, dragged into hell. I felt nothing though. Not even a single, simplest gist of lust. It was just so wet and dry.

No matter how I would run the whole gamut, trying to explain. It is wrong in every possible angles. I ought to not say this, but I was accompanied.

Warm as I always like it.

Maybe, it'd be the only reason for me to go there, with my bloody hands and legs in chain with heinous sins from above.

Allah. Come resque me.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

CELA

Semalam hampir buat aku berlutut depan pintu neraka. Bagai alter ego merayap dalam benak mencari ruang buat dosa. Aku hampir injak amanah Rasul. Aku sendiri hampir melucut diri sebagai umatnya kerana fitrah yang tidak ke tengah dan ke tepi.Tidak mungkin aku perluang minum air telaga baginda di sana nanti.

Soalan tersedu sedu.......

Hampir. Sangat hampir. Aku habiskan berbulan menahan apa dirasa. Babi dan Miss Drama sibuk bertanya. Bukan aku takut. I lied when I said I didn't have the gut to tell. YES I LIED !! Im really sorry. Aku tidak tahu bagaimana mungkin aku beritahu.

Di taman, rasa seakan aku mahu mati. Sekurang kurang hari esok tiadalah banyak aku kempunan. Aku lihat kura-kura. Senyum.

Aku malu. Malu dengan mereka yang selalu ada menahan aku dari jatuh tersembam. Malu bila mereka lihat aku ada "heart of gold" bilamana ianya hitam dan kusam. Sifat baik itu saja buat aku seorang manusia. Aku pun tak menahu tentang apa lagi baiknya aku.

Though, I would never wish "I wish I was less kind".....................

Kher Lee...... Kartine..........Apa bisa aku cinta kamu seperti kamu jaga aku? Sperti kamu cintakan aku? Kamu terlalu indah buat aku. Khabar hampa bila Tuhan tunjukkan aku siapa yang satu. Maafkan jika telah aku tolak kalian ke pinggir.

Jikalah aku biarlah itu datang. Sesat aku. Syukur Tuhan masih benarkan aku keluar. Benar, aku mungkin jadi kotor dan jijik.

Tidak mahu di hari tua, aku lihat semalam dan menyesal tidak sudah. Aku tidak mahu warisi saka akhirat untuk anak cucu aku. Apa aku anjingkan hari ini pasti berbalik kepada anak cucu. Takan aku mulakan saka untuk cucunda aku.

Walau semalam mungkin aku cakap "apa salahnya. Muda kan sekali saja"

Susur galur aku takan disumpah kerna bodohnya nenenda mereka.

Apapun aku syukur. Penjaga neraka sempat aku halau pergi sebelum pintu terbuka.

Siapa tiada cela. Meski aku tidak bahagia dengan cela ini, aku tetap bernafas ke akhir.

Tuhan, tolong.